Avoidance and Denial
It keeps us from pain—but also keeps us from growing
“Fear’s like a giant fog. It sits on your brain and blocks everything…But you lift it and, buddy, you’re in for the ride of your life.”
That quote came from Albert Brooks’ Defending Your Life, a film with a simple premise: fear holds us back from becoming our better selves. And the F-word takes its greatest shape in avoidance and denial. If I don’t deal with it, I don’t have to feel embarrassed. No, you just have to spend your life running away.
Avoid Avoiding
But how do we avoid, well, avoiding? It begins by giving ourselves a more enticing alternative. The convincer for dealing with pain is finding a greater pleasure as the reward. Find a moment in your life when you decided to do something you were unsure of and the result was positive. For example, Phil Goglia, a nutritionist and author of Turn Up The Heat, says visualizing previous success in eating habits is the key to future health improvement. “We all can get lazy for a while,” he says, “but when you remember how good you felt when you achieved your goal with healthy eating it can get you to give it another try.”
It’s also important to figure out where the avoidance truly comes from. Was it a childhood trauma? Did your background convince you it wasn’t possible to attempt? Did your parents approve or disapprove of what you’re avoiding?
One vital point to understand is that avoiding doesn’t allow for growth. Thomas Edison could have avoided trying out all the light bulbs that didn’t work, but then he never would have gotten to the one that did. Because embarrassment of failure is a leading cause of avoidance, it should be noted that men are more likely to avoid than women.
When evaluating avoidance issues you must decide if you’re being cautious or paranoid. Avoiding drag racing is probably a good idea; avoiding giving a presentation which could further your career probably is not. Which is more important?
A good strategy for overcoming avoiding is to read books or take courses which allow you to overcome your fears. One of the greatest fears for human beings is speaking in public—joining a Toastmasters organization to practice speeches or reading Dale Carnegie’s Public Speaking For Success can easily make you wonder why you were avoiding in the first place. Another method is to find a mentor who is an expert in the area you’re having trouble in. They may even admit to you that they were once scared or doubtful about the subject they have since mastered.
The Cost of Denial
Denial can actually be a strong tool. It can allow us to push forward, even when the obstacle seems impossible. It allowed Michael Jordan to become the best basketball player ever, even after he got cut from his high school team. It allowed Sam Walton to become the richest person in America, even after he lost his first store by not considering the specifics of his lease. Many probably said their goals seemed a bit unrealistic after their setbacks. Still, denial can also keep you from seeing the writing on the wall, even when it’s in large block letters and follows you wherever you go.
Sometimes quitting, in fact, can be the best thing you can do. For Ron Shelton, a once-promising minor leaguer, it was difficult to give up the game but by letting go, it ultimately made his career. As writer and director of baseball film classic Bull Durham, he was nominated for an Oscar and is considered by many to be the top sports director of all time, also helming White Men Can’t Jump and Tin Cup. “It was tough to realize it wasn’t going to happen,” Shelton admits. “But I had to be realistic and think about my future. I’m happy with where it led me.” So how do you tell when it’s denial? First, ask a group of friends you truly trust who will give it to you straight about whether or not you’re being honest. Choose people who don’t have a stake in the outcome other than wanting the best for you.
Also keep in mind the cost of this possible denial since not all denials are worth a great deal of attention. Are you a weekend painter who dreams of being Van Gogh? No big deal. Are you literally painting away every hour of your life, instead of holding down a decent job? Very big deal. A little dreaming can be a good thing, but a lot of heartache can be a nightmare.
Denial in many cases can be due to refusing to move on for fear of failure. Returning to Sam Walton, former Wal-Mart President David Glass was quoted as saying of his wealthy boss: “…he is less afraid of being wrong than anyone I’ve ever known. And once he sees he’s wrong, he just shakes it off and heads in another direction.” If one of the most successful Americans who ever lived refuses to be in denial (except maybe about that lease), then perhaps all of us should consider a similar path.
Yet it’s not just how denial holds us back but how it can hurt our health. Studies indicate that denying stress exists actually leads to poor health. For men in particular (who tend to bottle things up) this can be a deadly combination. It may be easy to fool other people, but who pays the cost? If we deny feeling pain or loss it can build up or even create new complications from established medical conditions.
Denial can also kill relationships. If you tell yourself something a partner is doing isn’t irritating you when it is, this can build up into resentment. How many times have we heard someone give a eulogy for a fallen friend and say, “And they never complained.” And this is a good thing? Though you don’t want to turn into Debbie Downer, to never admit when you’re bothered or share it with the offending party is not a positive quality. Resolution is a critical part of the human experience and to becoming closer to the people who mean the most in your life.
The Common Bond Of Regret
Avoidance and denial have a major common trait: regret. It has often been said that we don’t regret the things we do but the things we don’t do. Time is limited on this earth and can only be maximized by learning and moving forward with the knowledge we have. Think about your biggest regrets in life and ask yourself whether avoidance or denial played a part. More than likely, they did. Of course, you may be one of those people who says they have no regrets. Like the person who never complained, you are unusual. And probably in denial.